Saturday, September 29, 2007

guilty secrets

Saw this on traceys blog (and then tina's) Lol! So I thought I would tell you some of my ‘guilty secrets’.

1. When it comes to bedtimes, sometimes I might be so sucked into a game or blogging or tv that Tia can be up till 9-10pm!

2. In the case of secret no#1, Tia has put herself to bed a few times. I will be oh, is that the time?! And go in and find her asleep in her bed with the light on. The majority of the time this happens tho Tia is very happy to stay up and play.

3. There are days I can’t be bothered telling Tia to get dressed, considering I have to repeat a lot of the things I tell her do before it actually gets done. She is as bad as me when it comes to being distracted by something else! So often she will stay in her pj’s all day, unless she decides to get dressed without being told/asked. (note. She just asked me if she could get dressed?! I wish I could get thru to her that she doesn’t need me to tell her to get dressed!)

4. Tia if she had the vocabulary would call me mean bout this but in actual fact im terrible when it comes to making a decision especially if im trying to be good so when we go shopping I may go up and down the lolly & biscuit aisle a few times

5. I may get to the end of the day and think to myself, did I give Tia any focused attention today?! Argh! I feel like the worst mum if I spend it all day in front of the computer, stopping to make breakie, lunch, pee etc..

6. I will never forgive myself for when I accidentally hit tia when she was younger.. I was playing a dumb eyetoy game and she walked directly underneath me and I didn’t see her there!

7. Tia hates water on her face, any water! Even a splash! So washing her hair can be a nightmare! I’ve had to hold her under the water in the shower to rinse out the shampoo/conditioner (as she hates lying on her back in the bath)

8. when I want to do my exercise dvd I will tell tia to go clean her room, perhaps coz I know that she will just rather get attitude and hide in her room. But I cant stand her getting in my way, this place is tiny!

9. I buy lollypops in a packet and then take a lollypop for her when we go out shopping so tia doesn’t bug me for one, keeps quiet and it works out to be cheaper too!

10. I enjoy it when Tia sleeps in til 10am! I enjoy that ‘me’ time.

11. I often put socks on tia that don’t match, simply because I don’t have time to search thru the mess of her room for the pair. (all her clothes are in a suitcase when the room is tidy however when she gets dressed into pjs or clothes she takes everything out and never puts it all back.

12. I loved tia’s baby food (the egg custards that is) I’d sneak a spoonful and make up for it with some steamed apple or something for her..

13. I love using the term ‘tough bikkies’ on tia at the moment, simply because she doesn’t know what to think of it.. she loves food and I laugh when she asked me for some ‘tough bikkies’ when she was hungry!

What are your ‘guilty secrets’???


Maria said...

You are very brave to share like this! And please know that I relate to a lot of them!! I want to do this one except there are some people that have my blog address (like my husband) - who I'd rather not see if I open up like this.

So shall I post some stuff here?

*If I didn't have such a need to spend money on food (either good quality stuff at the supermarket or takeaway) - then yes, I probably could have bought my daughter a mobile phone by now to take to camp or be going up to see my sister in Brisbane when she's gone! I'm not good at living frugally so I can have a big reward down the track.

*I'm proving to be sucky at financial management now that I'm a single Mum again. I have a small amount of money and it hurts too much to discipline myself with food and money at the same time. I err on the side of "lets just pay for these $50 of groceries" and if I'm $20 short on the rent, I'll pay that next week..but then of course by next week I'm $60 short on rent and I have to make it up -and am then shorter on everything else. Hubby did our budget when we were together and I liked losing the responsibility of bill paying (after being a single Mum for 5 years before meeting him). Living with hubby I had shopping money and an 'allowance' each week..and I lived within that (far more room to move in that life than the one I have now). It's just hard. We have been in our own place 6 weeks now. I feel embarrased when I go to the real estate agents.. Not that I'm weeks or even late on rent.. I just fall behind for a few days and catch up..and I feel very slack - like they did me a favour by giving me this unit and approving me ahead of everyone else that applied..and this is how I repay them. I've asked them to suspend my fortnightly direct debits as I can't get 2 weeks of rent together.. I can only go week by week.. Oh well.. I tried.

*I wish I enjoyed playing board games more with my girl - she LOVES it.. and I also tend to do my own thing and she is left to her own devices. She's not good at finding things to do.. and I'm glad we have a cat because 20% of the time she will play with the cat..and sometimes she'll play the PS2. She's banned from the computer now and it's school holidays.. so that makes it worse. But I have baked with her several times and gone on bike rides.. and taken her to a local Christian book shop and told her she could spend $5 - and that was a FUN time for her! I got to browse all I least 45mins to an hour.. and so did my girl! I will have to do that again..except I get too tempted to spend too much myself!! But I know I could spend more time with her and I don't. I don't even watch TV anymore it seems since moving here and I don't take baths (-that tells me I'm convincing myself I'm relaxed here but I'm really not).

*Whenever I'm walking around town, I always hope and pray I don't bump into anyone from my past as I'm ashamed of my size/my body/the way I look. I gained about 30kgs after I met hubby.. and yes I used to be that size once before..but I had lost a lot of weight and had maintained for a couple of years until I had big change and stress in my life -getting together too quickly with hubby. I imagine people seeing me and then talking about me "Saw Maria, she's HUGE!!!" I visited old friends once and the lady said "Yeah I saw you in town and I said to Craig.. I saw Maria and she's lost A LOT of weight"!! That was when I'd lost a lot of weight. So I had confirmation that old friends DO talk about me if they see me.. so now I worry about being seen the way I am. However, having said that.. I do feel appreciation for where I'm at now as just a few months ago I was about 10kg's heavier..and so being lighter.. is still a big achievement.. I know that. I don't feel attractive at all because there are constant "under 75kg" examples all around me that look far better in jeans.

*I just can't stand it at church when whoever is leading the worship will say "come on people, lift up your hands". I don't think anyone should be told. Raising your arms/hands should be a personal and individual response -as part of 'being in the spirit' and worshipping God. Not because you are told to.

*Since separating from my husband - my mother-in-law has kept up formalities by sending the odd occasional email..but it's so obvious it's just that.. a 'formality'..and I feel like I have no time for them now. I have been sending sincere emails.. hoping to break down their walls..but to no avail. They never ask anymore "how are you"? They don't care. They'll ask after my daughter but that's it. All they care about is their son is hurt from the separation, he's alone and I'm the witch that did it to him. I hate that blood is thicker than water stuff..but should I be surprised? Because I have no parents of my own..and my inlaws called me their "daughter".. I really believed them and hoped they'd stick with me even during this separation. Not divided loyalties but supporting both their son and me too. Hubby's Nanna treats me no differently - she is 90yrs old and very clear that we are family and they are believing and hoping for a reconciliation. I feel let down by my mother-in-law in particular --even though I know they feel I have let their son down. I feel my inlaws are blind and judgemental. I don't like it that I had a sense of 'having parents' for a time.. but now I feel like I was kidding myself.. because when the chips are down.. I'm not really their daughter after all.

*I feel like a failure to be age 38 and not to have a successful job history. I've been unemployed most of my adult life. Done bits and pieces here and there. And it's not for lack of trying. I have been to more interviews and job programs and schemes than anyone I know. When I was a single Mum for 5 years I did (by choice, not forced) - full time study for 1.5 years of that. I've done volunteer work. But if I had to do a resume for myself again, I think I may aswell join the witness protection program and disappear as I would not be noticed. I don't think there is anything about me, on paper that would appeal to any employer. So I feel like a bit of a loser pretending to not be a loser.

*I'm not good at waiting for things or long term goals.. hence being a bit nervous about my own weight loss journey. I'm also impatient with the whole 'separation' process.. I wish my husband and I were either here or there.. not in the we allow time to elapse and slowly learn to relate to one another again, while hurts heal.. while we re-learn good communication habits.. let down our guards and allow the other person back in again, bit by bit. I get so impatient sometimes and just want to be sleeping in bed with my husband again. If not that, then have him out of my life completely (which is not a consideration). I am not comfortable ever working towards anything. Story of my life with the instant gratification thing. I'm also scared of being back in my marriage as much as I want it to be so. The idea of depending on someone else now is scary.. and makes you vulnerable should they ever be "gone" from your life again. This "waiting" thing.. walking it out... I'm NOT comfortable in this zone at all.

*When people at Weight Watchers get to maintenance phase and we applaud them and we hear their story.. and I hear their total weight loss was 7kg's or 9kg's..(for eg.) I know it was still a journey for them and hard for them. But I don't get inspired by them at all. I think "I wish I had your weight problems". But I know I shouldn't judge because I have no idea how I will feel with my final 10kg's to lose or even final 5kg's.. it may be the toughest few kg's yet. However.. when people only have this small amount to lose I feel like they should be at a different meeting somehow??"Club Small Fry's" or something - Motto: Don't insult the bigger girl's by saying you have a problem.
Gosh! These are thoughts I push back as I truly don't like judging anyone! But I do sometimes think them.. !

*I envy people who if you knocked on their door at any time of the day.. their house would be tidy.. and everything in order. Will I ever get there? Will I ever in my life have the dishes done every single day?

*I dislike my girls school friends. Ratbaggy, mind-gamey little bitches especially as pre-teens. Her bus driver can go piss off too..and her teacher as well. Last years teacher was such a gorgeous teacher and man (and ok.. a hottie).. -and I feel like shaking the 23 year old guy that pretends to teach now. I feel like saying to him "If you don't listen to parents/students needs I'll ban you from chupa-chup's for two whole weeks".

Tina @ Mummified Times Five said...

It's so easy to get carried away when you're online or watching tv or something. And our DD11, when she was younger, didn't like water on her face either so I had to force her head under the shower too. Now we're yelling at her to get OUT of the shower!

Maria, thanks for hsaring your guilty secrets here. The one point that hit home was the WW ladies reaching their goal weight after only losing less than 10kgs. I agree, they should be at a different meeting! lol

Shar said...

Yes, yes, yes.

I let my 4 yr old stay in her jammies all day sometimes. Have no problem with it really. Have done it a couple of times myself. Socks thingy too.

I am also so over under size 14's complaining about their weight - and drawing me into conversation about weight loss. Sharing their 'diet' tips. I feel like shouting that I am not overwieght because I don't understand basic dietry and exercise principles.